The importance of caregiving: Part 2

Joe Dorman

The role of the caregiver is a special one, particularly that of the adult child or children who take care of their aging parents.  The son or daughter who takes on the obligation of supporting their mother or father does so often out of necessity. After all, paying for long-term care, unless it is covered by private or public health insurance, is expensive.  

But even if cost is not a concern, older adults may prefer to be taken care of by those they know and who are closest to them, if at all possible. And many adult children take on the role of caregiver not only out of a sense of obligation but out of love. They want their parents later years to be rich ones and for them to live in as much comfort as possible.  

Moreover, the  act of care can be as meaningful and full of joy for the caregiver as the parent who is supported. There is something emotionally powerful and rewarding in the  feeling that you are able to give back to someone who has given so much to you.  And for adult children who once left home to seek their own independent lives, caregiving can become a reunion of sorts, a chance to renew and strengthen ties that may have been stretched by busy lives and long distances. 

And yet, there is also an irony that lies at the heart of the caregiver’s life.  Even as they provide support and love for their aging parents, they may come to feel isolated themselves.  Even in the best of circumstances caregiving can be stressful.  It may be the difficulty in navigating the health system for an older adult or an insurance bureaucracy. If that person  is mentally or physically impaired, the role takes on more duties -- and more anxiety.  And, all the time, there is the desire to shield the loved one from the sense that they are a burden. 

It is not uncommon for caregivers to hold these feelings inside not only out of the desire to protect a parent but out of a sense of guilt as well, the feeling  that one is being ungrateful after all the parent has done for them.  At the same time, no matter how much one loves one's parents, family relationships are complex and not without their tensions and ambivalences, many of which may lie unresolved when the caregiver takes on his or her role. 

It is crucial therefore that caregivers get emotional support themselves. Sometimes that support can be provided by a spouse or sibling, a close friend or family member.  But, often, even when there is someone to talk to, the experience itself can still feel isolating, one can feel that no one else can possibly understand what you are going through.  

That’s why support groups exist for caregivers, both in person and in online forums so people can share their experiences and even aid each other with possible solutions. There are also trained counselors who can help one navigate the stressful and difficult emotional terrain that comes with caregiving.  

Emotional support for the caregiver is not only vital to him or her but to their loved one.  Without that support, the stresses can build up and the relationship between parent and caregiver can be affected. Resentment and anger can erupt on the one hand or emotional distancing to avoid these feelings on the other. In some cases, elder abuse can occur.  

To make the most out of your caregiving, here are some resources to explore where you can find support and counseling:

A Caregiver’s Guide to Coping with Stress and Burnout from the National Caregivers Alliance provides an overview of challenges facing caregivers and how to deal with them. 

A List of Online Forums from the Caregivers Action Network provides links to a number of groups that tackle issues including the challenges facing new caregivers, depression and caregiving, as well as forums centered around caring for those with mental health issues, Alzheimers, Parkinson’s and other diseases.  They also provide a phone number: 855-227-3640 where you can talk to experts who can provide information.

Caregivers Action Network also provides a page with helpful tips on how to find a local support group in your community. 

The Eldercare Locator also provides information for caregivers and families and a way to locate local support groups.